Life walking in this mommies shoes

So today caleb is visiting with his father so its just me and myself im supposed to be rest sense im still in pain but even with these drugs making me tired i cant fall asleep. My mind seriously just keeps racing and non-stop thinking. For once it has nothing to do with school or anything i dont know if it has to do with the fact that in just for days it will be one more month till its been a year sense everything changed i mean i should be happy right? im done with school this month (hopefully fingers crossed if i dont fail) i have the most handsome sunny. a roof over my head a working car to get me to point a point be i should be completely happy,but im not.i just keep turning more into negative nacy.ehhh.This was just not how i saw things turning out like the way things were planned out if we would have never split we would have had our own home,married,and would have started trying to expand our family while working and expanding our educations.Im so happy for all my friends who do get that life but im also so so jealous.The worst part about this whole thing is we walked away from our family&&lovee over something so so stupid over the fact we just could not let shit go, we could not just get over it move on and forgive each other and holding on to that point less crap made arguments worse and walking away was just the easy way and thats what happened which is just awful because that shouldn't have happened we should not have walked away ruined the family we built and even after the split we should not have made it as ugly as we have .Caleb is the happiest boy in the world and im so glad this did not change him in anyway but its hard when a year later he is with me and his wants dad or ask about him or he does not want to get in the car and go he wants to stay home with me just this whole back and fourth really stinks still.I never thought at nineteen my life would be this way but honestly it sucks i mean normally i dont notice it im so focused on school and caleb etc. but when special dates or ex anniversaries come along or even just doing the switch offs it reminds me all the time. would i go back and change everything no none of this should have happened but it did and it causes me and him to go and change and become even better parents and put all our focus into him so i am grateful we split i just think it could have be gone about different but do i think things should stay this way no cause we did have a strong relationship and we did have a good foundation to continue to build on there was no denying that we were in love we were tried exhausted of trying and let our hurt and frustration get the best of our relationship and it take it down.will things ever change and go back who knows through this past year it has been brought up time and time again to try and we almost have but for it to really work i mean really work we both have to all be in and we both have to agree to drop everything last has happened and just let everything go cause you can move on and get it together without doing so. i just hate how i watch couple everyday cheat on each other like all these awful things and they can still forgive and get it together but we just acted like selfish brats and could not let go of the past and let it eat our relationship alive when we have took on so so so much more the tinniest thing comes and we run away. I don't know whats going to happen with all of this but hopefully one day everything will be clear.