Life walking in this mommies shoes

So i haven't blogged for a little while so lets catch up shall we?

well we have officially moved in with Curtis's mother because of our little issue with my father that is hundred percent my fault like everything seems to be lately.any who so I'm not sure how i feel about all of this at all me and Curtis are not together and I'm living with his family and there is no other option because i don't work so just my luck that's what i get for trusting and depending on someone else tho right i should have been watching my own back. && one lovely Monday morning i woke up after reading this book my ex mother in law recommend and i was feeling good about life and choices and staying positive hopes high etc and take Caleb in the living room and he brings me his fathers phone and i looked at it too make sure he didn't break it or call anyone and what do i see his wall paper is the girl who he has been saying for weeks he doesn't like umm if you don't like her why is she your wall paper on your phone!!!!!
&& i tossed his phone at him and called him a liar and he says i knew this was going to happen and says she put it as his wall paper cause she thought it would be funny am i just a Grinch or something because i see no humor in that at all and i asked why was that picture on your phone at all and he says cause she sent it too him as a caller id but it was too big um last i checked pictures can't be too big to be a caller id they can be too big to be sent to people. &&i asked if he sent her any and he swears he did but its just one thing after another its so hard to believe anything that comes out his mouth anymore. so i gave his shit the rest of the day with smart comments about him and that girl.
and then i went to my meeting with pastor Allen because i need someone close to god to talk to Curtis was a Post to be there but had to work and i didn't really get answers because they don't know why this is happening either air go why we needed Curtis but invited us back around noon on Sunday so we can hopefully get some here but they completely understood me and why i feel how i do and why this stuff with this girl is such an issue and that her being his wall paper is a big deal its not nothing but they also taught me something that young people go with there emotions that's how they make choices but don't understand being "in love" is a commitment its not a feeling you can't just fall out of it which is very true if you think about it and they also said from my point of view it does seem like Curtis i crossing the friend line with that girl and being to friendly && finally someone who understand that Curtis is ridiculous thinking me an him could be just friends after you have relations with someone and a baby its almost impossible to cross back over to just friends and he just doesn't get that its me and your together in love,and friends,etc or me and you apart and only talk when have too and get along for Caleb's sake kind of thing.
&& just after this whole conversation with pastor Allen Ive just kind of shut down a lot1 i don't talk to Curtis anymore unless scary i just am pushing him away now just as much as he does with me I'm not sure why but i am i don't know ma bye I'm backing off and letting pastor Allen and god deal with him or maybe I'm just slowly giving up and letting go since i put all this effort in and he does none but then again he has his little lady friend now.it just bothers me so so much cause every time his phone rings or its a text whatever my stomach drops and i just assume its her since they always talk and he goes in other rooms all the time && its just so frustrating like i just think how would he feel if i was doing those things like would he even care or would he see how badly it drives you insane and become so totally insecure and you just assume things all the time and it makes you a mess. but now i feel numb about the whole situation its just taken everything that i feel i have nothing left to put into it. i thought moving here would be good and positive and help us make it through but it seems to have only gotten worse && every time he comes home now i exit the room and just go to bed i don't want to be around him unless i have too it all just hurts and has damaged me. and i know if we go on Sunday it could go three way one way being good one way being going no where or one way it completely ending which terrifies me I'm just praying god doesn't want this family or our lives together to end but who knows he may want just that.