Life walking in this mommies shoes

between my kiddo && all this house work i can't breath for five seconds.Then once time comes for me to finally be able to relax and go to bed I'm dealing with Insomnia. && worse this curtis && myself stuff isn't getting any better.I completely understand where he is coming from about me hurting him and he needs to fix his self && he needs too figure things out but once again this was all back in Sept of 2009. honestly if you truly deeply love someone too once again purpose to them for the second time on their second mothers day you think you would have moved on from being hurt and etc,but no apparently I'm wrong about that one.I've completely been more then understand through this whole thing i have owned up from the being from the fact it was my fault i left(it was 100& my choice,i did it) Ive owned up too that him hurting was because of me. I've put all my feelings on the back burner so i can do this whole"just friends" thing so he can figure out his feelings and everything and i only complained the first couple of days cause it was hard on me. i felt like i was going against something I'm meant to do. you are meant to breath every day all the time i feel like I'm meant to love him with everything i have ever second of the day && show him how completely his i am, but i went against all my feelings just so i could be the person he wanted me to be for him for his sake. To be completely honestly i feel like its doing nothing, when i got into this relationship it was fifty fifty me and him together through ups && downs.Not when we have a down we separate and figure our stuff out that's not how things are a post to work you do it together! && for the past week or so i have been praying && praying,&& getting people to pray with me/for us and i can honestly saw god has answered half my prayers which were giving me patients, and taking my pain away from all this all my frustration and all my hurt. i woke up two days ago and i felt so different so peaceful yet everything was still going on and i felt like that up until last night.Oh geez and myself is just making this worse i have been acting like wife of the year && in case i have forgot were not married,were not even engaged anymore,nor are we together. why can't i be like those mean ex girlfriends were the hoot && yell and scream and shout i want to be one of those right now cause at least they don't put them self through more then necessary they just let it all out and move on.I'm just really beginning to wonder if i should just embrace being a single girl cause it doesn't feel like were going to happen it feels like he just gets a kick out of being a free man but has a completely and devoted(stupid) ex girlfriend also.like I'm totally acting like those girls i hate who run back to a guy that just left them and beg and beg and give them anything their guy wants and all pathetic like yeah that's what i have turned into. i honestly believe I'm meant to be with him i truly truly do && believe god picked him out && made him my perfect match in every way but for some reason he just can't move on can't let go and just love me like crazy its really not that hard.I've done it before if you really love someone and their worth everything to you its not that hard to drop the hurt if you know deep down this is it.All this has completely taken a toll on me i have lost three pound in like a week and a half because my body barely lets me eat any more from all the depression and stress. && sleep gosh don't even get me started on that i don't even sleep anymore my mind is always going going going now, probably cause it just can't understand why this is all happening && why he can't just leave the past in the past and understand his heart is even more then completely safe with me.&& the fact that he is always asking for hugs and saying things like "i don't appreciate you enough" or "if you get scared or need me or something i'm always right here for you" or he will hold me for a couple seconds at a time its like really while our dangling me around like a rag doll why don't you just push me off a cliff while you at it.


i am utterly stress.&& completely ready too have him back and be happy again.&& if not them i need to move on and focus on me and my sunny && seek love else where.