Life walking in this mommies shoes

I have no idea what is going on with me,but the days just are not making any sense anymore they are just blurring together.yesterday i baby Curtis's like no other because he wasn't feeling so and i love him and i have always take care of him and always will. it was just so different and so tough i went in the room like ever five minutes checking on him even tho i knew he was asleep and i think part of me wanted too because its been so hard to look at him lately with out crying, and he is so defensive now cause his emotional walls are up && he just snaps so easily now but i liked going in there and seeing him sleeping so peacefully with out him saying a word with out him pushing me away and i could just look at him sleeping so peacefully with out a trace of stress of worries i could completely feel myself belong to him like Ive never really felt before like i could feel my heart and soul dig a super deep hole right inside him and plant its self there to never move just grow. For once since he was sleeping he couldn't be mean or hurt my feelings like when i try so hard to do something nice or catch his attention and he just blows me off and my feelings get hurt i can just feel myself fall more in love with him and he couldn't say a word or kill it for me.I could also really feel it anytime i inhaled or exhaled it was like i was just breathing him in i don't know how to explain it but i was like i was breathing in even more love for him.The funny thing is i completely took care of him yesterday with knowing I'm not going to get anything in return for doing this just a thank you that's it no kiss,no nothing && i still did it any ways i still put myself through all this stuff even knowing my feelings with get hurt some way or I'll get blown off or shut down but i still do because i love that man more then anything. && i discovered yesterday i think could be a reason why all this is happening cause when i left him not only did i hurt him but i made him feel some where inside he failed at doing his job in this relationship he failed at taking care of me and keeping me happy and so on so fourth. He couldn't be more wrong tho if that's the case he could fail if he honestly tried its so sad but even know knowing he isn't in love with me and he isn't mine which hurts more then anything he still keeps a little bit of happiness inside me because i still see him every day. I wish he could just see && feel that cause i can tell him as many times as i want all of this but it will do know good he has to feel it in his heart and soul which is he never failed,never failed me or himself i failed but leaving && i know i left cause i was scared but i think another reason i left was because it was a learned habit from my parents i mean you grow up and watch you parents and swore you will never do that or be them etc etc but then all of sudden your in a situation and its like you go on auto pilot like on that movie click like how the remote is trained to fast forward through situations some where in your mind their are bad habits you have seen you parents do and your mind just has you do them with out your permission and Ive seen my parents leave each other for other people so many time and since i was scared my mind just reacted to what it has seen before and did it and i left which is why i came running back that wasn't something yes i was scared yes i was confused but i truly deeply wanted Curtis i wanted him and his love even if i was scared half to death i trust him with everything i have i know if i was even in danger he would always get me out of if before i even had a bump or bruise and i just wish he would feel that, he always goes on and on i know how you feel believe me i know but i really don't think he does. I keep trying to keep my hopes up i feel like every time there about to go away and I'm going to be hopeless again i feel like there god squeezing my hand telling me he is there making sure this goes okay && to not lose my faith in him trust him and don't let Curtis go just keep trying and trying keep making sure he knows your his you are not ever leaving make sure he knows you are and will not give up on you guys. Its honestly so difficult dealing with unrequited love but then at the same time its not cause i truly love him with every bone i have && everything i do for him i don't expect anything back i always give give and give to him but i never wait for something to take Ive always been in this relationship cause i love him and know he is the one for me because he is honestly the most amazing man on this earth i have never met another like him he is far from your typical guy he makes me happy even when he is making me sad at the same time as long as i know he is breathing i will always keep going through hell and back for him. I'm so deeply proud of him i have gotten to watch him finish growing up and see how seriously amazing of a man he is, i just hope gods right and i will get to keep watching all of it while holding his hand again.when that will happen who knows but I'm just going to have to hang on even if it takes years. yikes years that's a scary thought.