Life walking in this mommies shoes

yesterday i took my last huge jumps I'm making with all of this, Ive been working so hard on changing myself and becoming the best possible crystal i can be.So far i do have i can see major major changes and I'm liking who i am even more then i did before all my little bad,or annoying,etc qualities i have done before and i have noticed i have completely changed them and replaced them with something positive i know i will never be perfect but my trying to be the best possible version of myself and I'm almost completely done doing that i just took my last two jumps yesterday. I've been wanting to give up a lot on Curtis lately cause Ive really been thinking all hope is gone but then i can just feel god getting mad at me for bot believing him when he says trust him and to just hang on for dear life to him && that we are going to get through this,but like i said there is still that thing in my head that keeps pulling me down and washing all my hope away. && i do believe god has been pushing me in a very specific direction (which is me waiting and being patient and selfless and holding on to Curtis and doing all i can to show i horn or him i adore him i love him I'm willing to go to all lengths and all cost to make this work) so far i do believe i have honestly been doing that. But i keep almost giving up so it feels like god is no longer pushing me or guiding me now he is like shoving me lol. But i did what i felt he was telling me to do yesterday was get these books that will help me understand more how guys think since everyone knows how completely frustrated and confused i am cause i don't know whats going on in his head but i do know what ever is going on in that head of his is affecting and blocking his heart which is very very extremely guarded right now and walls up so high they make the china wall look small and i really have to be patient cause those are going to take some time to get through. && my other jump i made was to call pastor Allen and set up a meeting with him and just talk and let everything out and let him give me guidance and i left the window wide up for Curtis too come because pastor Allen really believes he should be there but i control Curtis just as much as i control the weather i can't force him to do anything and i wouldn't if i could i want it to be his choice.i am a billion percent dedicated to fixing us and making things better and i am doing my part but well see what happens with Curtis because i honestly not just believe but know he is a big fat lair and is still in love with me other wise god wouldn't keep pushing me to work so hard and fighting for this.&& i can see if show up in his actions and his words and his eyes and his face its all still their its just terrified to death too come home and admit that its still there. which makes me feel that much horrible that the one thing i need the most(his love) i have scared,and scarred and i just feel awful every time i realize that fact.